Africa
by katje13
Summary: The Cullens go to Africa to celebrate Emmett and Rosalie's 2nd wedding... chaos ensues. Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN IT! Stephenie Meyer does.
1. The Emo Leopard

**A/N: This is kind of funny. The story, I mean. It amuses me, at least. I honestly don't think Edward spent the early forties in Africa conversing with wildlife. But seriously, how else was I going to prove the leopard's state of mind? **

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and more than me. (Sorry for tormenting your characters!)**

_Leopards are kind of like mountain lions_, I reasoned with myself. _No reason they should taste any different..._

"What are you sulking about?" Rosalie demanded.

"The dismal selection of delicacies..." I muttered in response. There were a lot of animals, yes, but most were either unappetizing, or endangered enough for us to leave them alone. "Why couldn't you have your wedding somewhere normal?"

"Since when do panthers live in Africa?" Emmett called from inside a dense area of shrubbery.

"They're leopards."

"Lepers?" Rosalie, who had lost interest in our conversation, asked.

"Leopards. Lepers are people with leprosy." I clarified.

"Like from the bible." That piece of insight was Emmett's. "Are you sure it's a leopard? It's black."

"It's a leopard. They have shorter tails than other cats."

"But it's black! I thought panthers were black. Leopards have spots. Like cheetahs."

"It's a mutation. Has to do with pigments."

"Oh." Emmett seemed fascinated.

"A leopard is a type of panther. 'Panther' is just a general name. Big cat." I stopped, smelling the air. "None of them are here, though. I think Emmett's yelling has scared them away."

"I can't help it. I was having fun. They're kind of hard to get. And they climb!"

Emmett was like a kid. A hyper, deadly kid.

It was 1942, and we were all in Africa, celebrating Emmett and Rosalie's second wedding. Carlisle and Esme had already hunted, and were socialising with the natives. Or, studying them, at least. With the war going on, the locals were a bit jumpy with new faces. It's easier to stay out of the way when you're, you know, out of the way. Emmett kind of found that out for us.

He was still relatively young, so it wasn't his fault, really. So he was a little... extroverted. Okay, a lot extroverted.

He had escaped us for the first time since landing, claiming that he wanted to do some hunting. How were we to know what a single vampire could get into? When we finally found him, he was trying to convince the locals that he was their god. He very nearly succeeded. He decided that if he let them perform all sorts of tests on him, he could be worshipped.

They tried hitting him with enough force to kill a human, piercing his skin, and holding him under water, but we pulled him away before he could go moving any mountains. We were too late for some of them... I shudder to think of the alters erected in his name.

"Emmett!" Rosalie shrieked. I sighed. Carlisle and Esme probably heard that, even being a few miles away. "Get it!"

I turned to look, and caught a flash of Rose jumping backwards, and Emmett jumping forward, overdramatically pulling a large, wiggling bug out of her hair and flinging it against a tree, where it exploded with a disgusting 'plop'.

"Honestly, you two. It can't hurt you."

"But it can get disgusting slime in my hair! I just got it done!"

I shook my head and walked away, into the woods, to find something to eat. Almost immediately, I caught scent of an animal, a big cat, and took off after it. I stopped, shortly, confused. The scent had disappeared. I turned around, planning to find something else, and was hit in the face.

I stepped back, surprised. A snake? No. It was fuzzy. Snakes aren't fuzzy.

I craned my head up, following the tail, swinging a few inches in front of my face, to the large, black cat sitting on the previously unnoticed branch above my head.

"Aha!" I was talking to myself, and I knew it, but I doubted anyone would notice. "Dinner is served." I grabbed ahold of the branch and pulled myself up, looking forward to the chase. The cat didn't move. This didn't make any sense; he should be running... Instead, he was looking at me sadly. So sadly, in fact, that I did something I rarely do; ventured into the realm of an animals thoughts.

_What could you possibly want?_

"Not to play counselor to supper. Why aren't you running?"

_Why should I run? Kill me and get it over with..._

"I don't want to now." I replied, sulking slightly. "You're taking the fun out of this."

_Why am I doomed to this dismal existance?_

"What's the matter?" I asked, giving in.

_My life is a black abyss. A perpetual miasma of torment and pain._

I waited.

_Are you blind, Creature of Darkness? I am black. My world is black because I am black._

I blinked at him. "You are moping because you are black?"

_Hideous! I am a freak. I wish my life would end._

I grumbled and leaped from the tree.

"Emmett! I found one!" I yelled.

_What are you doing, Nosferatu?_

"You said you wanted to die." I reminded him as Emmett and Rosalie came running towards us.

"Wow. How did you see him up there? Are you sure you don't want him?" Emmett was overexcited.

I shrugged. "Go crazy. I think I'll find an antelope. I've lost my appetite for leopards..." I vaguely heard the rustle of leaves as my new friend the leopard jumped from his post and ran, and the newlyweds chase after him as I walked away.


	2. The Prophet Emmett

**A/N: So I fell in love with Emmett as a god, and decided I had to write it. Had to. Also, it's... in retrospect. Yeah, that's it! That way, I can use 'Awesome' when he's thinking. Here it is.**

**You can't say you wouldn't worship him... I know the truth.**

EmmettPOV

I was overexcited. Who honestly wouldn't be? I was in a beautiful country, with my beautiful wife, and we could stay forever if we wanted to. Seriously. Forever. It was still hard to think about it like that.

So there we were, in Africa, sitting in the house Esme had apparently built a while ago, in the middle of no-man's land. That's all. _Sitting._ You'd think a bunch of vampires with absolutely nothing to fear could find something to do in a place with almost no people.

No, Carlisle and Edward were content reading. Esme and Rosalie were talk, talk, talking about something unimportant, and we were _sitting._ There was all kinds of stuff for us to do, and no one to care, and we were in the foyer, listening to some Sinatra guy, and I was _bored._

"Emmett, dear, can't you sit still?" Esme asked. I noticed I was bouncing up and down in my chair, and tried to stop. It worked for a few seconds, then it started up again.

"I can't help it. I can't believe we're not doing things."

"What kind of things?" Rosalie asked and came to sit beside me on the sofa. Edward raised an eyebrow.

"I don't know. Just, _things._ It's hard to believe there's nothing to do." Rose was running a finger along my collar bone, and it was slightly distracting. Edward sighed and walked down into the basement, probably to finish Casablanca away from mine and Rose's teasing.

I moved her finger away, and stood, walking to the door. Rosalie huffed. "Can I go hunting? Please?" I asked Carlisle, hoping he'd be okay with it. Seriously, from the way he watched me, you'd think I was reborn yesterday.

He glanced at Esme before answering. "I suppose. Perhaps you could run off some of that energy..."

"Yes!" I ran out the door and into the woods.

Whoa. Just, whoa. There was a whole village there that I didn't know about. Of course, it's not like I studied Africa. Still; a _village! _Complete with a witch-doctor and tribal dancers that were hardly dressed. Everything was arranged in a circle, wrapping around a huge fire,

I stepped out of the shrubbery, and heard the locals murmuring. They were so into me. It was awesome.

They were talking to each other, and yelling things at me, but I couldn't understand them. I don't speak Africoan. I walked closer to the middle of the circle, and everyone got really quiet. So I decided to sing.

Look out! Look out!

Pink elephants on parade

Here they come!

Hippety hoppety

They're here and there

Pink elephants ev'rywhere

Look out! Look out!

You should've seen their faces. It was great. You'd think they'd never heard of Dumbo, which, they probably hadn't, being all tribal...

I digress.

I guess I was singing it louder than I should have, because some of them were covering their ears. A couple, who I guess were the tribal leaders, walked up to where I was standing, and touched my chest. And my arms. And everywhere they could.

"Whoa, hey."

They didn't listen to me, and turned back to the others, who were now watching intently, saying something in Gibber. Then they bowed to me. All of them. Like, twenty people bowing at my feet. It rocked. But then Tribal Leaders One and Two dragged me to this... rock thing, right beside the fire.

A few apparently lesser tribesmen grabbed a hold of the rock, straining to lift it. They stopped, walked away, and looked at me expectantly.

"Oh. Okay." I walked forward to the massive rock, lifting it easily. It had to be every bit of two tons, but, awesome vampire that I am, it wasn't much of a problem.

I set it back down carefully, making sure not to squish anything. I turned around to my audience, but didn't see anyone. Confused, I spun around, looking for the natives.

Feeling something grab my foot, I looked down, seeing where they had gone.

They were bowing. To me. Twenty or so scantily-clad tribespeople were on their knees at y feet, looking up at me in admiration. Then felt a poke. Not a painful poke, but a poke. I looked down to find Leader One...or, Two?...poking my foot with some sharp...thing, with enough force to pierce human skin. Of course, not the stone-strength vampire skin that I had. Maybe they were making sure that I was, indeed, their God.

Ha! Their god! Psh, I so knew I was god material. Rosalie was going to PITCH a FIT. As I was thinking this, I felt a huge pressure on my head. I turned, yet again, to find the other Leader with a...club? He hit me in the head again, and I had to try very hard not to kill him. Or at least hurt him a little. I mean, what kind of treatment is this for a deity?

"Hey, now." I grabbed the club and held it away, like teasing a two-year-old, then threw it. It was not my fault that it landed in the middle of the marshy pond... a mile or so away.

The Leaders looked...angry, to say the least. I let them push me to

the quagmire, but when they tried to push me into it, I stopped. I draw the line at getting all...gross. Rosalie would never speak to me...let alone other stuff...if I came home all goopy.

However, the locals all looked so angry, like that was their "Special Club", or something, and I couldn't help it.

I jumped in. Besides, it'd be kind of fun. Like swimming in pudding.

I tried to see the club through the murk, but no dice. So I felt for it, along the bottom, then dove down to get it. When I pushed off to reach the surface, however, I couldn't. Someone, the Leaders, probably, were trying to hold me under. I played along, not even struggling. It's not like I had to breathe, or anything.

They let off, and I broke the surface, handing the club to whoever was closest to me and wiping grossness from my eyes. THAT was just downright uncomfortable.

The natives were bowing, again.

"Yes, worShip me! Bow to me, for I am your god!" I knew they couldn't understand me, but it was amusing. I raised my arms like the Prophet...Someone. And of course, the family chose that time to find me.

"Emmett! What did you do? You're all icky?" Rosalie asked.

Edward rolled his eyes and walked away, leaving me to deal with them. "He told them he was a god..." He managed to murmur to Carlisle. Thanks, bro.

"I can't help that I'm god-like!" I complained. "I didn't DO anything. They just...assumed I was a god..."

I still don't think they believe me. It's no fair. It was SO not my fault.


End file.
